Saturday, May 23, 2015


Let the record reflect that just because we find
some of these unattractive- does not mean we will
not attempt to sleep with you. Sleeping with you is a
different ball game when compared with attraction.

The two are not mutually exclusive!

1. Desperadoes!

These are the sort of girls that you find at every
party, in every bar or night club. And if you’re
confused; here are some pointers. They are
wearing thick make up, chewing violently on fake
gums and standing ALONE clutching unto their little
purses! So we can already tell that they either don’t
have cars or they didn’t come with anybody they
could trust enough to hold their bags. Desperadoes
don’t want to dance of course; except you have a
striking age resemblance with their dads back in
the village or if you’ve got a tommy to remind them
of theirs’ before they got an abortion. But not
dancing doesn’t mean they don’t appreciate drinks!
‘Can I buy you a drink?’ “Of course”.

And while you do; she pretends to receive a call in
front of a loud speaker!
Listen I’m not saying there’s anything wrong in
being bought a drink for; but women who act as
though they are entitled to a man’s wallet have got
to go! It’s unattractive and it’s downright classless!

2. Blackberry Beggars.

How a classy lady can turn from her ‘whatever’
attitude before you got her PIN to posting sad and
teary icons on her blackberry profile, beats me. I
mean come on girls; whatever happened to your
pride? I know you’re broke- but must the world
know? Do you have to post all your problems to the
new dude?

But I trust my Naija guys to say-
‘Eeyaa! It shall be well!’

Jokes apart; one thing is certain; if he helps you
with some money, he does so out of pity- which is
not something you want a man dating you to feel for
you. He should feel respect for you; so please
respect yourselves. If a man starts giving you
money immediately after meeting you, please don’t
go running to your gossipy friends 6 months later to
tell them how wicked men are. He’s just recouped
his investment dividends for 6 months! And if you
must tell them; please start such stories with how
greedy you were.

3. Gbabes:

Granted that most of us want girls who have Indian
blood running in their veins; but we’re not stupid
enough to know that we can’t all have that. Gbabes
are girls whose hairs remind me of the psychiatric
hospital opposite my church!

I know you can’t all afford to wear the expensive
lace wigs and Brazilian hair that Omotola or
Patience Jonathan wears- but why not thank God
for the Aba boys? They have made some extension
braids and ‘Brazilian hair’ affordable for peanuts…

4. Unkempt Private Areas:

*Hums* “Sometimes I shave my legs sometimes I
don’t’. That’s cool and all but I’m going to need you
to shave under your arms and the other place (you
know where.) I am not scared of using the P word
but this is a family friendly website- and I’m sure
you get the gist. We may be bush men here in
Nigeria, but please give yourself an edge up by
keeping it like a well-manicured lawn rather than
like a jungle safari in the middle of Niger Delta!

5. Loud Mouths:

Some girls know all the lyrics of all the tracks in
Terry G’s or Wizkid’s Album. I once danced with a
girl who took me through Timaya’s discography
while wearing a smile. She even knew what the
upcoming tracks were! Now, don’t get me wrong.
It’s all good.

But what’s not good is that the Naija guy, you’re
dancing with or rapping at, has already formed an
opinion of you! You’re a loudmouth in his head. And
you seriously can’t fault him for this assumption.

What the average Nigerian who wants to have
something serious with you- thinks about is; “what
will my people say about this girl?”

Truth is; if I can’t bring you home to momma we
can’t roll. I can’t stand a woman whose every word
is a curse; mothereffer this, son of a —– that et
cetera. Kindly have at least; an ounce of class and
act like a lady not an Obalende conductor!

Peace out and love to Nigerian ladies, I think you’re
all beautiful. These observations are not meant to
offend any of you; but a little dose of ‘keeping it real’
is always healthy.
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