Tuesday, May 26, 2015

How To Get A Bride In Seven Selected Nigerian Churches

In the following lines you'd be exposed to how to
attract, woo, and marry ladies in some Nigerian
churches.

Get a seat and let's roll...

MOUNTAIN OF FIRE

Wooing an MFM girl entails a fiery approach. U
must be spiritually rugged, a carrier of fire[dem go
fit fry egg for your head sef wit d kain fire wey u
must carry].



You must be a demon chaser and spiritual jail
breaker!

Going on 3 days dry must be like 3 hours to you.

Academic qualification is at least OND. You must be
vast in demonology, with a clear, robust and
empirical demonic interpretation of sex, anger, beer,
etcetera

You must also know the demons behind shoki
dance, sekem, attachment, weave on and the likes!

Finally you must have cast out at least 10 demons
from your life or anybody's!

N.B: You can't Test Before Payment[b](TBP)[/b]
because demons would expose you.

DEEPER LIFE

Hmmmm.... ***clears throat***
You must know the bible from pali to pali, sell all
your designers and get yourself some old skool
shirts and trousers.

Change your LCD to black and white, your home
theatre to video cassette player(because brethren
may come for inspection)!

You must have the same speech pattern like the
general himself (baba I hail o) , with good command
of the English language.

Academic qualification must be minimum Bsc or its
equivalent! [if you no go school your type dey dere
too]

It is not capital intensive as there would be no need
for cinemas,vacation,picnics, night outs and
diamond ring for the 'will you marry me' question!

Just easter and december retreat is okay for the
relationship.
Above all you must be willing to use your head
carry eba during retreats and very humble to the
core.

NB: Tasting Before Payment TBP and divorce are
not allowed
.
REDEEMED

Let sombori shout aleluya...
You must get yourself every RCCG souvenirs you
can think of; ranging from wrist band to calender, t-
shirt, sticker etcetera. You can even sew a
customised RCCG's ankara and wear it to her place.

You must have one of their pastor that is close to
Baba as a relative or in-law(to make the girl head
swell well well)

Join the workers, especially ushering department or
choir and be a regular pilgrim of Holy Ghost Night
and let's go a fishing.

Get yourself different colours of tambourine and
security whistle(for praise na) in case you no sabi
dance well well.

N.B:[/b]Their wedding is relative to the intended
couples pocket!

Academic qualification at least Bsc

 Christ Embassy and Household of God

Same thing applies to these two churches as their
MOG share almost everything in common!

You must be a very good jerry curler, a huge sower
of seed and a great shouter!

Sit on top of a conglomerate or be a celeb(up
coming artiste are allowed with Queen's english and
heavy swag).

If you no go school at all abi you no sabi English,
sorry bro, your own don finish, don't just apply!
Your taste of fashion must be high and designers all
through to your boxers with demon binding
perfumes!

You must be a good mimer and fan of Sinachi,
Buchi, Frank Edward and their likes.
If you kon get talent, like good voice join am or you
be fine boy... Chai your own don haf done!
No bringing of bibles to d church; your tablets and
other gadgets must be visible and a debtor to the
eyes(j'oju n'gbese)!

You must be able to speak in tongues and not just
have a common one, you must have at least 5
types of tongue with vibration!
Their wedding is mostly expensive.

N.B: Unlimited TBP is inclusive with a robust
package

Warning: these marriages are liable to die young.


WHITE GARMENT

You must be a great drinker of Alomo, orijin, baby
oku and paraga for easy, direct and uninterrupted
access to the spirit world! Weed is also allowed!

You must carry dreadlock with a good display of
Terry G's kind of madness!
Your garment can be yellow, red or blue according
to the colour of your preferred drink or its container.
White if you prefer palm wine! You must sabi shoki
and alanta well well and sabi use clap and broom
cure madness!

A little knowledge of Quran would do because they
often speak arabic in their realm! You will need a
kind of Jarules or Papa Ayo's chain on your
garment to really convince her that you belong!

Their wedding is not compulsory as the girl could
even be carrying your third child without u even
knowing her parents!

Academic qualification is at least primary school
leaving certificate with little madness or a certificate
from Aro or Yaba left!

N.B: Polygamy and TBP dey yafun yafun!

CHRIST APOSTOLIC CHURCH

This you can and can't do it alone, you will need the
help of your grandma cos dem no dey gree leave
the church.

Learn two or three hymns, few of Uncle Ojo Ade's
song and Mama Bola Are's and be a good prayer
leader.

Cram as many psalms you can, how to pray on
water and see vision or hear voices.
Get yourself a prayer bell sew one cassock and
make it a daily routine at exactly 5am be the one to
always wake the girl's neighbourhood with your
morning cry.

When you get to the front of her building stand for
3-5minutes and raise your voice higher, then
proceed.
Continue for three weeks and watch how things
unfold!

Qualification is minimum SSCE and their wedding is
considerate!

N.B: No Testing... and divorce is not allowed!
No mind my English o, just let's catch fun!
Please this is not to ridicule or mock the body of
Christ
Post a Comment

Related Post

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...